We have all been at the requisite Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner where we get into a discussion with someone about a topic we disagree on. The topic can be as mundane as a cooking recipe, to something as polarizing as our elected officials. And time after time, we are there, facing the other person, in disbelief of their divergent view(s).
And we seldom come to an agreement. More often than not, we push each other farther and farther away from agreement, compromise or even understanding. One of the most common causes is our approach. Instead of asking people with whom we disagree to explain their understandings of the subject, we ask for reasons that validate their point of view. The difference is subtle, yet powerful. When you ask someone to explain to you either how something works, or their understanding of a subject, this process requires the person to put thought into confirming their own understanding of the topic. However, when a person is asked to provide their reasons for their belief, more often than not, they rely on their feelings of the matter.
Thinking about how to explain how something works does three things; 1), it forces us to make sure we, ourselves, understand how it works 2), it places our mind into a more objective state, and 3), it disarms our Ego. By being more objective, you will be more open to discussing an opposing point of view.
This approach is a two-way street as well. When a divergent point is explained to you without any of the luggage of feelings or emotions, you too, are more open to listening. And who knows, you may even learn something in the process 🙂
Fourth of July is coming soon. Try it at your next get-together and let me know how it worked. Remember, don’t ask for reasons… ask them to share with you their understanding instead.
